Miscarriage

Tonight has been one of the saddest, most difficult, nights of mine and Nick’s married life. I would go as far as to say the saddest, most difficult night. After returning home from work this afternoon, I went to the bathroom and noticed there was blood in the toilet. My heart sank, and I instantly knew something was wrong. I told Nick, and we loaded the kids up, dropped them off at Grandma’s and headed straight to the ER.

After being triaged, I had hope at first, because I knew there were many reasons a woman could spot during pregnancy (after all, it wasn’t a great deal of blood). The nurse got me settled in, and we made small talk while she took many viles of blood. She told me the doctor would be in soon. When the doctor made his way in, he let me know that my urine pregnancy test had come back positive, but they were just waiting to hear the results of the blood test, and he also wanted me to get an ultrasound.

The ultrasound tech came in within minutes and wheeled me down to the ultrasound room. That’s when I knew something was wrong. Even though she had told us ahead of time that she could not tell us anything about the ultrasound, I knew from the somber look on her face, and the amount of detail she was using in her process, that something was wrong. In fact, I was in the ultrasound room for at least 45 minutes. I have never had a normal ultrasound last that long. When she left the room I peeked at the screen which had the size of my file of pictures listed on it, with the size of all the previous patients from the day who had had ultrasounds. Mine was 125MB, the others ranged from 20-40MB. I thought to myself, “why would she take so many pictures if everything was fine?”

She then quietly wheeled me back to the room. There was no small talk. Just “the doctor will come talk to you in a minute.” A minute turned into 40, and the doctor came in and my greatest fear came out of his mouth “You are having a miscarriage.” I tried to hold it together, but I couldn’t. The tears came pouring out and turned into sobs. This sweet baby that I had prayed for, for so long was leaving me.

After a rhogam shot from a very insensitive nurse, I was ready to go. I walked out of the hospital with my head held low and tears streaming down my cheeks, and my sweet husband’s arm around me. We got to the car and he held me so close and asked if he could say a prayer. He prayed to our Heavenly Father for us to have understanding and peace, and that we will learn what we need to from this experience. After the prayer was over, he began reminiscing to when we were working together in Walgreens. He said “I never thought we would have to go through anything this hard together.” It was then that I remembered my patriarchal blessing. It states “Your children will bring you great joy, and great heartache.” Both prophesies have come true.
On the way home, all I could think about was the technicalities. How would I face people who knew and were so excited about this baby? What would I do when they asked how I was feeling? What if they don’t find out about the miscarriage and pat my tummy? What if I break down crying every time someone tells me they are sorry? Then I thought about May 29th. What will I do on that day to hold myself together?

I then remembered President Monson’s talk from this October’s General Conference of our church. He talked about having an attitude of gratitude. It was then that I had the two most precious faces pop into my mind. I realized then, that they will be how I make it through and how I can persevere.

President Monson said:
“The loss of loved ones almost inevitably brings some regrets to our hearts. Let’s minimize such feelings as much as humanly possible by frequently expressing our love and gratitude to them. We never know how soon it will be too late.

A grateful heart, then, comes through expressing gratitude to our Heavenly Father for His blessings and to those around us for all that they bring into our lives. This requires conscious effort—at least until we have truly learned and cultivated an attitude of gratitude. Often we feel grateful and intend to express our thanks but forget to do so or just don’t get around to it. Someone has said that “feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”12

When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given.”

So tonight, I am sad, and I am hurt, and I am aching inside for the sweet child I will never hold in my arms. At least not in this life. But I am grateful. I am grateful for a husband who loves me unconditionally. A husband who is not afraid to show his love and faith for his Heavenly Father. A husband worthy of the Priesthood who can provide blessings of healing and comfort to me and my family. A husband who knows how to make me laugh, even when I think I don’t want to laugh yet.

I am grateful for having the opportunity to raise three of Heavenly Father’s most precious children. Two in this life, and one in the eternities. I also have faith that we will have another earthly child to bring into our home…when the time is right. Being a mommy is the greatest blessing I have ever had bestowed upon me. I am eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving me that opportunity.

I am grateful for all of my extended family and friends who have been there for me throughout all the trials and happy times I have experienced in my life. My mom’s heart broke when mine did tonight, and I am grateful for someone so empathetic she could feel my pain.
I am grateful for my friends who sent me messages and phone calls to check on me. I feel very loved from a large group of people tonight.

I am grateful for a job that I absolutely love and am passionate about. I am grateful for the staff who I feel are an extension of my family. I know I will be welcomed with support and love.
Last but not least, I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. He atoned for me, and he has felt the pain that I am feeling right now. He has brought so much light into my life, and without Him, I may not be able to get through this trial. I know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, and is sad when I am sad. But, His plan is perfect, and nothing comes to us in this life without reason.

So, yes, I am sad, and I ache, and I yearn for my child. But, I will be okay, because I have much to be grateful for.