I did my makeup today...

....and that is a big deal. Some of you know what I've gone through this past week, and others may not know, or may not understand. Losing my child has been very, very difficult on me. I have fallen into a deep state of grief (I'm not quite sure if I would call it depression yet or not), and have not been functioning very well. I have stayed in bed most of the day every day, not getting around to doing anything, including eating, until late afternoon at best. I haven't been very present to my husband or my children. The more I think about it, I haven't been very present to myself. I have basically relied on staying asleep as much as possible to not think about my loss.

Part of me feels like I am being judged by others by dealing with it this way. Especially within the church, where I think it may show a sign of weakness of my testimony by reclusing, rather than rejoicing in the child I will raise in the Eternities. I know that this is not true, and I know I am not being judged, it's just my own perceptions of my grief through a Gospel persepective. Please know though, that my testimony is unshakeable. I know without a doubt in my mind that I will be with that sweet angel baby again someday. It's the here and now that is hard. In my mind, that baby was a human being from the day he or she was conceived. I believe that he/she had a spirit, and a body, and was so righteous that they didn't need to come to this Earth at this time to be tested. I also know that by relying on my faith and my testimony, I will get through this. I have been trying to do so and the moments that I do seek help through prayer and scripture study I do feel better. Sometimes it is just hard to get the energy to get on my knees, or to pull out the Book. We are not here to be perfect though, we are here to do our best, and right now my best is to do as much as I can, and I feel that I have been doing that.


Part of me is angry. I don't know who I'm angry at, or why, but I just feel angry. I am not typically an angry person (maybe a little moody now and then, but not an angry person), so this is hard for me. I feel like I don't know that person when I feel those angry thoughts. I know, clinically, that this is a part of grief. It's just hard for me to rationalize it, because, like I said, it's not who I am.


I have been grateful to have a husband who is so beyond supportive. Nick has blown my expectations out of the water when it comes to support. He has let me stay in bed, and encouraged me to get out when it was appropriate. He has been a set of ears to listen to my woes, and a shoulder that I have shed a LOT of tears on. He has been my comedian when I needed to laugh. My own personal masseuse, chef, and errand runner. He has been my best friend, and an amazing father. I know this loss will bring us forever closer.


Like I said in my previous post, my friends have been amazing. Between pulling me out of bed and dragging me to Target (which was one of the first times I have had fun), to bringing me dinner, providing fun activities for my kids to do, the flowers, the phone calls, the cookies. I could not ask for better friends.


My work has been outstanding. I don't know of another employer who would be as understanding and supportive as Circle of Life has been. Not just the administration, but the staff themselves. They have sent caring words, phone calls, cards, etc. I have two wonderful supervisors who have also lent their ears to listen and their shoulders to cry on. I will be forever grateful to those two women, and they will always hold a special place in my heart. They have encouraged me to grieve, and encouraged me to move forward. The timing of both pieces of advice have come at appropriate times, and have been what I needed to hear each time.


Yesterday, I had a conversation with one of those women, after experiencing one of the most traumatic physical experiences of this miscarriage. I had no one else to turn to, and she was there to listen and let me cry. She also encouraged me to do something for myself, and something for my kids. She promised I would feel better. So, I did. I went to the store, I bought things to make cookies (I make amazing homemade chocolate chip cookies), and Brody and I baked cookies last night before bed (Peyton had passed out before hand).

Today is a new day. I have put on my make up (I haven't done my hair though...I'm not quite there yet, so pony tail it is), and I am going to church to watch my little boy sing with the rest of the primary. I look forward to watching this program, as I do every year. I like to pick out who is singing the loudest, who is standing on the stage doing the potty dance, and who is paying more attention to waving at their parents than performing in the program itself. Hmmm...I wonder if Brody will be any of the above.

Again, I thank you all for your support. I am praying that the physical part of the miscarriage will be over soon, so I can fully be prepared to get my life back together. I know that I will be okay because I am a strong woman. I just needed some affirmation with that statement yesterday, but I do believe it.

I will leave you all with some pictures of two of the cutest kids in the world:

I caught Petyon "yeading a book." she yelled at me "I YEAD A BOOK!!" She was reading her Friend magazine. Can you tell she gets her fashion sense from mommy? Neither of us can tell if things go well together...in her case she put on her Dora PJ's, her bathing suit top, and her winter snow hat. Very fashionable.
she was looking at me like "can I help you, mother?"

My perfect egg cracker...no shells (well maybe one, but we got it out)!!!

Brody scooping up and dropping the dough

Nick stealing a ball of dough off the cookie sheet

We let them fall asleep in our bed last night while Nick and I watched a show. They are such angels when they sleep!

They love Sunday baths in mommy and daddy's jacuzzi tub!

She insisted on wearing my hair towel because it was pink!

My little Lion after his bath